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| -- batanes lighthouse, basco batanes, july 2007 -- |
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| -- sabtang lighthouse, sabtang batanes, july 2007 -- |
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| -- mahatao hedgerows, basco batanes, july 2007 -- |
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| -- sabtang beach, sabtang batanes, july 2007 -- |
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| -- sta. monica beach, california, july 2009 -- |
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| -- los angeles, california, july 2009 -- |
here's something i found from my 'baul', written on a rainy day some few years ago. :)
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You first knew me during the age when I felt like I was the geekiest girl in the world with those big, thick glasses I wore to survive high school. We met through my best friend who was cooler enough to be included in your circle of friends. Nothing unusual when we met. No stars appearing in the daylight sky, no bells ringing, no heartbeats skipping and all. What made me remember you was the note you wrote in my yearbook – “When somebody tells you you’re not cute, lemme know ‘coz I’ll kick his ass.” Funny because we really never had a real conversation that lasted even for a minute in our four-year stint in high school. But there you were, writing me that note, feeling close?! I felt some kind of connection with you since then, felt the security that someone's willing and ready to kick ass for me.
Graduation came, almost everyone left the town for college, never heard anything from you since then. Years gone by and some things changed – I got contacts and finally ditched my spectacles, got some level-up on my confidence, plus a boyfriend who went to the same high school with us. Then one fateful summer afternoon, got a chance to connect with my ass-kicking school mate, that’s you. Thanks to technology and whoever invented facebook, our paths crossed again. We were both surprised for different reasons but whatever those were, we started being friends and exchanged more than “hi" and "hello” messages. I even remember one of your posts where you wished to replace my boyfriend’s place. I knew you were just kidding then… or weren’t I? I settled and found it more comfortable to think you were just kidding.
After almost four years, my then boyfriend and I broke-up. Amidst all the questions of the people around us and their regrets over what seemed to them an almost perfect relationship, you told the devastated me that I can get through. And boy, you were right.
I didn’t know how it all started, or when. I just found myself opening up to you, blurting all my hurts and grumbling about guys being the most unfair beings, forgetting that you, too, are a guy. That’s how I started to feel comfortable with you, maybe because you listened no matter how you detest my grumbles and you made me listen, no matter how stubborn I got. And those happened with us being miles apart because of work and studies. You were one of the few beings who could really make me laugh during those days. I was not sure but hearing your voice gave me a sense of relief. I never entertained the idea that I may be on a rebound that’s why I was enjoying your company. I assured myself that you were just a friend and that there’s nothing more to it.
Then came the point I started anticipating your calls and your texts. Being miles away from you, I was so grateful for the network that brought unlimited 24/7 calls to life. Funny, but I felt bothered when I didn’t hear from you in a day or your text message was not with the usual “hugs / kisses / miss u” stuff on it. You’d laugh at me when I say that…
Or my day’s not complete without you barging into my PC at work through IMs. You sent me almost all kinds of stuff. Movie lines that made me laugh by the way you delivered them, videos that made me cry during lunch breaks, sites that scared the hell out of me and just anything that you know could brighten up my day. You’re the only person who could make me feel different kinds of emotions but at the end of the day, all resulted to bringing a smile on my face.
We never understood, though the last time we saw each other was way back five years ago, we became closer,. We have different worlds -- you live with network gaming until dawn while I enjoy the sunsets. But we discovered we both love movies, we enjoy almost the same kind of music and we share the love of sleeping ‘till noon.
Then reality hit me, I was again letting someone affect my system this much. I was being vulnerable again; I was letting myself fall to some uncertainty. I had this worries in my head that all of these would turn to zero once we see each other again personally. To erase the doubts, I agreed on seeing you again after so long. Thanks to my ever-reliable best friend who arranged everything. When we met, I never knew one could feel two things at one time – I felt scared and excited at the same time. You were adorable than before, with that newly-bald head, you were a taller replica of Bamboo. Me, though I didn’t have my glasses anymore, I still felt geeky in your eyes. I was almost silent when we saw each other. That’s the first time I dated after the break-up. But slowly, you removed my fears with those smiles and unending stories, as if you had brought an awful supply of those two that day. We had so much fun we didn’t want it to end. That was the start. After that, we just sort of spent so much time together – hours on the phone or online, talking almost about everything. We’d go out at times, just strolling down the malls, making stories and secretly laughing at those who passed by, sharing our favorite coffee blends or just theorizing about how things work. Our favorite thing to do together – pray for rain during weekends and when it comes, we’d spend the day in your place or my place, (depending who’s not lazy enough to make the three-hour drive, I know it’s almost always you), do a movie marathon or a TV series reruns with a bunch of chips, cold bottles of Coke and stories that just popped in our heads.
That’s when the nagging question started to holler at me – “what are we?” Funny, because we almost talked about everything in our love lives – my ex, your exes (that’s plural), the “it” moments, the break-up scenes and everything in between – but we never talked about “us.” I’d casually remind myself and answer that nagging question with the showbiz line “we’re just friends.” Yes, I kept on believing that for some reasons. One – because I see how you treat your other girl friends. You’re their sweet, cool guy friend they run to during weekend drinking sessions and things like that. You were like that to everybody. But I remembered you saying there are only few people you value the most – your family and me. That made me go to reason No.2 why I need to believe that were just friends – I didn’t want to put something special to the attention you’re giving me. I was not supposed to enjoy it ‘coz that’d push me more in the realization that despite me being hurt so badly and getting jaded over relationships, I was still capable of being that silly-like-a-high-school-girl who’s falling in love with a cool boy-next-door who turned out to be you. I had always held on to that thought – that we’re just friends and you would never look at me for more than a friend. That way, I tried to stop the unnecessary growing feeling inside of me.
But one stormy weekend, you called up just to say you’re on the road going to my place and that I should be ready with chips and drinks for our movie marathon. I asked you to cancel it because the rain was so furious. But as stubborn as you really are, you made the almost five hours drive under the bad weather. You knew me as not the nagger type of girl but I just couldn’t help to hurl words at you as you stepped in my front door. You just smiled, handed me a box of my favorite cake, kissed me on the cheek and went directly to the living room. I sat beside you at the couch like the usual thing. You were uniquely, or rather abnormally, quiet that I couldn’t help but asked if I got you irritated with my nagging.
You just held my hand and uttered, “I just need someone to listen to my silence.”
Given an ordinary day, I’d burst out to laughter upon hearing that could-win-an-Oscar’s line. But as I look into your eyes, I saw the sincerity. I just laid my head at your shoulder, feeling that was the most natural thing to do. We were like that for sometime.
“I never enjoyed the rain this much before.” I said.
With a smile you said, “From now on, I promise that you’ll enjoy every rainy day that will come our way. ” and you never did let go of my hand.
As the rain poured out that day, it made me realize that sometimes we don’t need to complicate things. Defining what we have would mean defining roles. It would mean expectations. I guess time will reveal. Fate will do its own thing. Wherever it would bring us, I’d be thankful I got through all those rainy days with you.
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| image from flickr.com |
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