you're just as sane as i am...

she was starting to have the time of her life,

Do you know that feeling once you wake up in the morning with that perfect sunlight sneaking from the back of your window curtain, soft wind brushing your toes that are exposed from the sweet-smelling blanket of yours? Like that oh-so-perfect-day ahead is already screaming your name and you just can’t wait to start it? No, that’s not how I felt this morning, I actually miss that feeling. My blanket already stinks from being unwashed for days. That sunlight, complete with its temperature-rising brightness is already flooding my room. I think it’s trying to melt my last memory of you being here in the same room with me, it’s slowly fading away. I still miss you and I’m not sure when will I stop missing you.

I was almost in this same situation when you found me. Coming out of a break-up with a guy who left for a skinnier version of me, I never planned to do anything but to wallow in pain and bitterness then try to move on, period. I did not even try to win him back, I just hoped the universe understood how much I loathed them. How can just someone throw years of invested feelings and future plans for a couple of days of sweet intoxication and daydreaming? And what the nerve of that woman to steal somebody else’s man? Relationships can’t always be rosy, I know. But that’s why it’s called commitment because both sides have to stick to it rain or shine, not dwell in somebody else’s arms when the storm kicks in. Apparently not the case for the promise of forever ended just like that, with some ten-minute conversation where he told me he’s seeing someone else and all I could utter was, “Fine, I already knew.”

So going back to the plan – wallow in pain until I get tired and then try to move on. There was no ‘you’ in it, I never asked you to be a part of it.  Being oblivious of your existence for years served me just fine. You were my friend but I didn’t see the need to insert you in my coping-up plan. But you came in. I was trying to figure out why fate thought of bringing you in my life or did it just find messing my life further more to be fun? Yes, I always believe fate has a knack for kicking me in the bum. Whatever, the point was you came uninvited.

You butt-in to my messed-up life with nothing but a purpose to help me fix it, as you said it was what expected from a good friend. You came with your dose of thoughtful concerns and feel-good ideas. You brought things I never thought I was missing. You made me see this world in rainbow colors and cotton candy once more; you made me hear love songs and appreciate sappy movies again. I actually thought I was already done with the wallowing in pain. It was where we experienced hours becoming too short and words not being enough. Everything seemed natural, comfortable and almost becoming familiar yet still with surprises in knowing what makes each other giddy and what pisses us off. We had our fights, too, but you were my favorite enemy to make-up with, that I loved making-up with for that matter. I was on my way to believing we were actually creating something special, that I was actually on my way of getting fixed.

Then you told me about her and her role in this story. No, it’s actually you told me about her so I would know my role in this story. You said you never thought things would go this way, that you entered my life just thinking I could use a friend in you. But things went beyond the ‘friend zone’ and that’s where it became complicated because you already got her. It made me realize I became the woman I hated a few paragraphs ago. A little bitchy voice in my head was telling me I could finally have the power to be on the other side. I could be the one who gets to be called the winner. I could finally have the last laugh. A part of me wanted to be selfish and think of my own happiness. I could have been the controlling bitch who purposely asked you to ditch her and have that happy-ending with me. I know this world is unfair and we all have our time under the sun to feel that treatment. I already served my time; I couldn’t always be the giving party, there would be times I need to take something for myself. And I thought, hey, I could always say sorry afterwards.  Yes, that’s me bitching.

I could have done that. But I gave up the fight even before it started. I took the nearest EXIT sign even before the emergency bell rings. It was never easy getting out and letting go. I actually stayed for a while, thinking that I deserve my own happiness, that we deserve this. But a glance at the big picture showed what you have with her is something I can never take away from you. I cannot take you away from THEM. I did not have the heart, or maybe the balls, to take something that wasn’t mine in the first place, even if I could justify it now belongs to me. Maybe because I didn’t want my “I’m sorry’s” to be just like that, just mere words. I cannot take you away from her and your baby.

I was broken when you found me but I can’t even remember that pain anymore compared to this. What I’m feeling now is on a different plane. It pains me in places that I didn’t know existed in me. What’s different now is you’re not here to hold my hand and tell me it’s all going to be okay because I pushed you back to her. But you have taught me well. Now I have this hope that soon, I will be better. I used to feel like I was these pieces of paper being blown and scattered by the wind, torn apart from each other with no sense of direction. You came uninvited, picked up my pieces and glued them back together. Now that you’re gone, I feel like that paper again, maybe crumpled but not completely torn. You taught me to not let the world harden my heart. To not let the pain steal my belief that life is still beautiful. To believe that this pain will someday be useful to me. To take pride that though my heart may be in ruins now, its capacity to give love is now multiplied by its broken pieces. Yes, to finally believe I am still capable of loving despite my brokenness.

I’ll admit that the thoughts of “what could have been’s “ and “what if’s” for us are still roaming inside my head. It will take some time but I know I have to let those go eventually. I already have enough heartaches for one year, I don’t want to be that somebody who collects broken hearts for souvenirs. Maybe it’s about time to let my heart rest for a while with its own Band-Aid and not somebody else’s fix-me-up kit. It’s about time to take this unfair but wonderful world on my own and prove to it I’m a tough cookie to beat. I’m on my way to getting better, it’s still unfinished but I’m getting there.  

“The comforting news is that we are never finished… The idea of being unfinished is nice, for it always leaves room for improvement… Being unfinished means we can cry today, and next week or next year we won’t cry for the same thing, because we are moving, evolving. Becoming better versions of ourselves.”[1]


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[1] http://littlemissdorkette.tumblr.com/post/2711028909
— 03122011, written for Friday Forum